mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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