You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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