somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
