He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
