I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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