Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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