A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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