I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
