twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
