its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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