Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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