don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize