Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize