i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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