all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
