six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
