I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize