Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
