thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize