You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
