I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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