He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
