Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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