is your mom at the bar?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
