I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
