Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
