hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
