Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
