my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
