I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
