i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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