just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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