Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
