My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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