Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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