I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
