he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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