And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
