you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's rum buckets o'clock
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
