come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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