I want to have your abortion
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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