dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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