The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
