Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
