: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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