Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
