I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
