I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
