Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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