i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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