I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
