yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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