I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
whose ass print is on the piano?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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