i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He better not be in your backpack
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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