Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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