Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
