I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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