You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
