Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
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